Coping with divorce

More than a million children a year are affected by divorce in the United States.

There’s an organization in Tulsa that works to help couples and their children get through the process as painlessly and safely as possible.

Divorce is rarely easy and the process can be extraordinarily stressful. Statistics show divorced people are more likely to suffer from mental illness, heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other chronic conditions.

However, directors at Family and Children’s Services say if children are involved, it’s their well  being that’s most important.

Unique to Oklahoma, Tulsa County Family Court has a program designed to stabilize families going through divorce to prevent what happened in the case of Kathy and Don Jarvis.

Police say the couple was going through a divorce and Kathy killed her daughter while she was in bed in her pajamas and then Kathy turned the gun on herself.

Court records show the divorce was not final and Kathy and Don shared custody of their daughter Katelyn.

"I don't want people to think it's common for people to lose it and hurt their children it's not,” says Marriage and Divorce Services Director for Family & Children’s Services, Claudia Arthrell. "In Tulsa, you are never alone. It's asking for help that's really, really hard and sometimes your friends are going to have to do that for you."

In court, Family and Children’s Services teaches a four hour class called Helping Children Cope with Divorce.

“Always keep your child's needs first,” says Arthrell. "When people remember that, about kids being the most important, they can put aside, ‘this marriage didn't work, it's over. What we have to do is form a co-parenting team,’" says Arthrell.

However, for some split couples, there is too many questions and too much of a darkness.

"Betrayal, the what ifs. ‘What if we only did this, what if we had tried that.’ They can feel beat up from years and years of trying and trying to figure out is it possible or not and to really to let go,” says Arthrell.

Friends and relatives can play an important role.

"Sometimes you get to ask those little questions, like how is your child doing, how are they coping, are they able to stay out of the middle, you are doing a really wonderful job as parenting,” says Arthrell.

As for dealing with the grief that comes with divorce, it takes one day at a time.

“That's what all we live on, is one day at time and it's really nice not to do that in isolation. If you don't have that support system, you build it by asking for help,” says Athrell.

Divorce often affects children differently depending on their age.

It’s important to remember helps is available.

Oklahoma’s divorce rate is higher than the national average.

In 2010, there were nearly 20,000 divorces filed in Oklahoma and Tulsa County made up for about 17 percent of those divorces.

Family and Children’s Services offers a 24-hour help line and resources and will make home-visits 24 hours.

Call COPES at (918) 744-4800.